Artemis Fowl and the Interviewer
by Rose Fowl
Summary: Interviews moved to WattPad. End of story. No pun intended xP
1. Artemis Fowl and the Interviewer

**Hiya! My name's Rose, but from here on out (in this story thing) I'll be known as "the Interviewer"! I'm interviewing the characters of Artemis Fowl, starting with little Arty himself!**

**~*~*~*~*~WARNING~*~*~*~*~SPOILERS~*~*~*~*~**

**Me**: Arty! How's my favorite criminal mastermind?

**Artemis**: I prefer juvenile genius. May you ask me a real question?

**Me**: *grin* Would you like a juice box? A lollipop, perhaps?

**Artemis**: Real mature.

**Me**: Thanks, I'm working on it. Anyway, what's your favorite bed time story?

**Artemis**: *scowl* Let's go, Butler. We're leaving.

**Me**: Oh, I was just teasing. Here's my real first question: Why did you decide to become a criminal mastermind? I mean, why steal all the artifacts? Is it a habit?

Artemis: One question at a time. Well, I wouldn't exactly call it a habit of mine, but I often wonder how that specific historical artifact would last even longer over generations. I'd like to preserve it myself why admiring its beauty.

**Me**: Can't you just use Google Images?

Artemis: (Narrows eyes) A mere image on the Internet doesn't help you capture its gentle details. In other words, I much prefer the actual thing.

**Me**: Back to that your answer of my previous question. You said that you'd like to keep it for yourself, more or less. What about the time you stole a famous painting from a German bank? You said you wanted to steal to beat a record.

**Artemis**: How on earth do you know that?

**Me**: (Points to a copy of _The Opal Deception_) That.

**Artemis**: It's that Colfer man, isn't it? By God, he's exaggerated many of my adventures.

**Me**: Cool. Anyway, what do you think of Captain Holly Short?

**Artemis**: She's a fine soldier, unlike anyone I've ever seen.

**Butler**: (grumbles)

**Me**: I think you just offended Butler.

**Artemis**: A fine soldier right after you, old friend.

**Me**: Nice save.

**Artemis**: As I was saying, Holly has saved my life countless times, even after what did to her the first time we've met.

Me: Do you feel any remorse? Regret?

**Artemis**: Indeed, I do.

**Me**: Can you look into the camera and tell her that?

**Artemis**: (Frowns) what camera? We've been taped the entire time?

**Me**: Psshhh, yeah. I'm pretty surprised you haven't notice. (tsks) Butler, I expect more from you.

**Butler**: (rises) Tell me where it is.

**Me**: Uh...nope.

**Butler**: (Growls)

**Me**: I won't tell you!

**Artemis**: It's her necklace. Why haven't I seen it before? How embarrassing.

**Me**: N-No it's not!

**Butler**: (Grabs necklace) (breaks it with his hand)

**Me**: Butler! That was my grandmothers!

**Artemis**: Then you shouldn't have concealed a camera in your treasured possession.

**Me**: I swear to God, Artemis Fowl, I'm going to-

**Butler**: (cracks knuckles)

**Me:** Oh, never mind. But...(scowls)...expect pay back.

**Artemis**: You've made a fool out of me, and you have tricked both me and Butler. How? I don't know. But know this. If I see this video posted anywhere around the Internet, expect to be brutally murdered by my body guard overnight. Am I clear?

**Me**: You can't just threaten me after breaking my necklace!

**Artemis:**_ Am I clear_?

**Me**: (gulp) Crystal.

**Artemis:** Good. I'm leaving.

**Me**: (snickers) He didn't say anything about WRITING the entire interview...(evil laugh)

_**Well, it was okay. I'm still a bit rusty. Next is Butler!**_


	2. Butler and the Interviewer

**AAAAND, we're back! Thank you to "The Ye Old Storyteller", who also has given me a question to as the famous body guard.**

**Me: **You ready Butler?

**Butler:** Is that question one?

**Me:** Patience, big guy, we're coming to that.

**Butler**: One question to ask _you_, Interviewer. The last interview with Artemis? It's online on some website.

**Me**: (Mock surprise) What? No way. I had absolutely no idea.

**Butler**: I can hear the sarcasm. You know what that means, right?

**Me**: You're gonna give me a big hug?

**Butler**: Believe me, that would be one of my many ways of putting you to sleep. Permanently.

**Me**: (gulp) I do hope you're...joking...

**Butler**: Keep hoping.

**Me**: Well, now that we're comfortable with each other (leans in) I have a question from an anonymous person. How did you start reading romances?

**Butler**: (Scowl) I would never waste my time reading pointless novels. I have more important work to do.

**Me**: Really? Then how do you explain...THIS?! (Holds up a copy of_ Pride and Prejudice_) I found this hidden in your belongings.

**Butler**: That's Juliet's.

**Me**: Is it? Is it, really? (Clicks a button on remote) (Flat screen TV shows up out of no where) That's a video of you snuggled up beside the fire, looking terribly emotional while reading your beloved book.

**Butler**: I swear to God, if you don't burn that tape right now, you'll wish you haven't been born.

**Me**: It's just a joke, Butler. Now answer the anonymous person's question.

**Butler**: I'm going to wring the anonymous person's neck

**Me**: Dude. Answer it. Now.

**Butler**: Will you stop pestering me?

**Me**: Sure...

**Butler**: I started to become hooked on romance novels because I confiscated one from my sister. I feared she'd become to emotional and it would drive all of her focus away from what truly matters.

**Me**: ...But you read it?

**Butler**: Yes.

**Me**: Did you lose your focus?

**Butler**: Hardly.

**Me**: (frown) then give that book back to your sister!

**Butler**: Alas, not.

**Me**: (Mutters) Great, now you're TALKING like those sappy characters. Anyhoo, how did it feel when you first battled a troll?

**Butler**: I have to say, that was the fight of my life. I wasn't afraid, but I knew that there was a high chance I was going to die. I was on the verge of death, actually, but I have Holly to thank.

**Me**: But kudos to you for being the first person to handle a troll single handedly. That's really cool.

**Butler**: Yeah, I guess. You know? You're not that bad.

**Me**: (Raises eyebrow) Butler, did you just complement a total stranger?

**Artemis**: Yes, that _is_ quite surprising.

**Me**: (jumps) The heck are you doing here?

**Artemis**: A body guard is forbidden to leave their principle alone. Especially a Butler.

**Me**: Well, that makes sense. Make yourself comfortable, Arty. I just baked some fresh cookies.

**Artemis**: You're not really getting on my good side.

**Me**: Should I be afraid?

**Butler**: Yeah, pretty much.

**Artemis**: Really, Butler? _Pride and Prejudice_?

**Butler**: Thanks a lot, Interviewer. I'm never going to hear the end of this.

**That's all I can write for now... Holly Short is next! Please review and favorite if you enjoyed~**


	3. Holly Short and the Interviewer

**I'd like to thank the reviewers! And I have at least four extra questions from those reviewers! **

**(I forgot to put this in the last two chapters) Disclaimer: I. DON'T. OWN. AF. **

**Warning: MAJOR SPOILERS! WARNING! WAAARRRRRNIINGG! (Don't say I didn't warn you.)**

**Me**: Holly? You there? I think your camfoil's still on.

(Several minutes later)

**Me**: Hello-o-o-o-o-o? Holly?

(Five more minutes later)

**Me**: YOU'RE ON THE PHONE WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND, SHE'S UPSET! SHE'S GOIN' OFF ABOUT SOMETHIN' THAT YOU SAID-

(Couple of other moments later)

**Me**: Well, this is awkward. I've been talking to myself the entire time.

**Holly**: No you haven't, I was trolling you. (Holly appears on chair in front of me) Nice singing, by the way. (smirk)

**Me**: I'm ignoring that last comment. "Trolling"? That's kinda strange, coming from an elf. Are you part troll?

**Holly**: (Glares) Do I look like a troll to you?

**Me**: I'm not gonna answer that.

**Holly**: And why not?

**Me**: Because I know what you're capable of if you're offended.

**Holly**: Does it involve my Neutrino Blaster?

**Me**: Yup.

**Holly**: (points Neutrino at my face) How'd you like a hole in your head?

**Me**: DON'T SHOOT! I WAS KIDDING!

**Holly**: Fine. But I'm going to remember that, Mud Girl.

**Me**: I prefer Mud Interviewer. Anyway, here is one question from one of our...viewers. What is it like? Flying, I mean. I've been curious about this question as well. I've always wanted to fly.

**Holly**: Really? Well, that's one thing we have in common. Flying excites me, no matter how many times I've gone patrolling on the surface. It feels good, with the wind on my face. I especially love flying during sundown.

**Me**: (sigh) I'm really envious of that. Before I get emotional, here's another question: what's your most embarrassing moment?

**Holly**: Hold on, let me think.

**Me**: You're actually gonna answer that?

**Holly**: Yeah. Why wouldn't I?

**Me**: I had to force it out of Artemis two interviews ago...

**Holly**: That's Artemis for you. Anyway, you're not talking about the embarrassing moment that Colfer wrote, did you?

**Me**: Yeah...kinda...

**Holly**: I'll let you in on something else, then. This one time when I was still in school, I called one of the teachers "Mama".

**Me**: Good to know, Holly, but that isn't exactly juicy.

**Holly**: (scoff) You expect me to let you in on something big? Yeah, right.

**Me**: I _really_ appreciate the sarcasm.

**Holly**: And I _really _appreciate the irony. Can we continue?

**Me**: (rolls eyes) Why did you join the LEPrecon?

**Holly**: Isn't it obvious?

**Me**: Not really, no.

**Holly**: I love flying, for one thing. I wanted more opportunities to go out on the surface.

**Me**: You may as well scream "I wanted to be the first first female in the Recon!"

**Holly**: Can it, Mud Girl.

**Me**: It's Mud Interviewer. Is your magic sparkly?

**Holly**: You really love to get on people's nerves, don't you?

**Me**: You don't even know the half of it. Now answer the question, please?

**Holly**: No. It isn't sparkly. You're not comparing me to that...Edwin Collin?

**Me**: Edward Cullen. And for the love of God, fairy, why would I ever compare you to him?

**Holly**: You can never be too sure.

**Me**: (grin) Good point. Now, how do you feel about our little old Arty the Second?

**Holly**: The little Mud Boy saved the world more times than I'd like to think about. And I'm grateful for that. But other times, I just want to-

**Me**: Throw a working chainsaw in his direction?

**Holly**: (grimace) that's a brutal way of putting it.

**Me**: Yeah, I guess so. (checks watch) I have two minutes before this interview is over. I'll ask the questions real quickly. What's your favorite book?

**Holly**: Why's that important?

**Me**: I ask the questions, fairy. Just answer.

**Holly**: Sherlock Holmes.

**Me**: What's your favorite color?

**Holly**: Forest green.

**Me**: What's your favorite dessert?

**Holly**: (sigh) Mud Man ice cream.

**Me**: (eyes widen) Seriously?

**Holly**: Yeah.

**Me**: What flavor?

**Holly**: Strawberries and cream.

**Me**: Do you want some right now?

**Holly**: Do you seriously have strawberries and cream?

**Me**: You betcha.

**Holly**: Y'know what? Sure, I can go for some ice cream.

**Me**: HEY, BUTLER! GEMME SOME STRAWBERRIES AND CREAM, ASAP!

**Holly**: _Butler_? As in, Domovoi Butler?

**Me**: The one and only.

**Holly**: How...? You know what? I'd rather not ask.

**Me**: That's probably for the best. BUTLER?! WHERE'S THE ICE CREAM?!

**Butler**: (walks in with strawberries and cream sundae while wearing a butler costume): You owe me big, Interviewer. Hey, Holly.

**Holly**: (chuckles) I'm never forgetting this.

**Butler**: Unfortunately for the Interviewer, neither am I. Take your ice cream. _Bon Appetit_.

(Butler leaves)

(A few minutes later, Holly finishes ice cream)

**Holly**: That was absolutely delicious. It's been far too long since my last ice cream.

**Me**: How long was that?

**Holly**: Twenty years, give or take a couple of years.

**Me**: (shakes head) Good grief. That's sad. I'm so sorry. Now, I have a confession to make.

**Holly**: Should I be afraid?

**Me**: Uh...heh...no. But I slipped a truth serum inside your ice cream.

**Holly**: You _what_?!

**Me**: Nothing big! But just one question for all you ArtemisxHolly shippers! Holly, how do you really feel about Artemis?!

**Holly**: (speaks quickly) When I kissed him after saving his life, I was happy!

**Me**: There, that wasn't so bad. Now if you'll all excuse me, I must run for my life. (runs away with flailing arms)

**Holly**: (raged scream) I SWEAR TO GODS, I WILL TEAR YOU APART FROM LIMB TO LIMB!

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~Lol~*~*~*~*~*~**

**Well, I hope that was good! Favorite and review if you enjoyed! And thank you for whoever reviewed! Next will be Mulch Diggums! Anyone got questions to ask?**


	4. Mulch Diggums and the Interviewer

**Thank you guys SOOOO much for all the reviews! You have no idea how happy that made me! Also, I'm terribly sorry I made you wait this long for a new interview. Thing is, I had a math exam and a science fair. ER MAH GERD. I GERT A GERLD MERDLE! (For those of you who don't understand my language, it's "Oh my God, I got a gold medal. WHUT NOW.) Anyway, I have SO many questions for our favorite dwarf, Mulch Diggums! Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the AF book charries.**

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~WARNING~*~*~*~*~*~*~SPOILERS~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

**Mulch**: Will you please stop thanking your..."reviewers" before I eat your precious gold medal? (pauses) Wait, is it real gold?

**Me**: Back off, Diggums. I worked hard for that medal. But either way, it's fake.

**Mulch**: So what's the point?

**Me**: Nunya business. ANYHOO, (grin) do you have a crush?

**Mulch**: (sighs dreamily) Yeah. She's the love of my life.

**Me**: (leans in) How does she look like?

**Mulch**: She glitters like gold.

**Me**: (eyes glimmer) Wow. That gorgeous? What's her name?

**Mulch**: No, seriously. It's gold.

**Me**: (face-palm) Moving on. Do you like Foaly?

**Mulch**: That big old-centaur? Well sure, I mean-

**Foaly** (P.A system): Who're you callin' old, dwarf?

**Me**: HOLY SH-Foaly...WHAT THE HECK?!

**Mulch**: Can it, Geek Freak.

**Me**: FOALY, DID YOU HACK INTO MY SYSTEM?!

**Foaly**: No, I'm ghost. BOO.

**Me**: I'm being serious! You can't just-

**Foaly**: Just finish up with your interview! I want my own turn to come soon!

**Me**: If you don't stop talking, you won't have a turn.

**Foaly**: No.

**Me**: I'll give you a bucket load 'a carrots.

**Foaly**: I'm out! Peace!

**Me**: (snickers) Sucker. Mulch, what would you do if you were blackmailed into doing Gangnam Style?

**Mulch**: (snort) Blackmailed? I created Gangnam Style long before Shakesparrow was born!

**Me**: It's Shakespeare. Are you being serious?

**Mulch**: Oh, yeah. Care for a demonstration?

**Me**: Ah...no thank you. How 'bout at the end of the interview? I'm on a tight schedule.

**Mulch**: I'll bite your head off. You know I can. (Grins widely) (teeth bulge)

**Me**: (Laughs nervously) What big teeth you have...What's your favorite dirt?

**Mulch**: (casual) Well, I've always enjoyed Irish dirt. I love the soft feeling in between my fingers, and its smooth texture. It gives me a nice massage. Every dwarf's heaven.

**Me**: (raises eyebrow) That's pretty passionate. What's your favorite stolen item?

**Mulch**: (Counts on fingers) The Hope Sapphire diamond, the Polish Crown Jewels...Heh, heh...now _that_ was fun. Oh, and, the _Mona Lisa,_ the Eight Imperial Faberge Eggs-

**Me**: Only _one_! (mutters) Jeez, don't you have enough of stealing?

**Mulch**: (chuckles menacingly) Nope. I guess my most treasured stolen item is the few gold bars I took from Holly's ransom. It stirred trouble, which was very exciting. So yeah, that's my favorite stolen item.

**Me**: Hmm...Interesting.

**Mulch**: (straightens) Really?

**Me**: No. How did you get hooked on stealing things?

**Mulch**: Gee, thanks. (picks at tooth) (I cringe) I started to steal because mining was boring. I wanted a more interesting life.

**Me**: (Smirk) Careful watcha wish for. You almost died for the umpteenth time.

**Mulch**: Yeah, well, that's just about how excited my life can get.

**Me**: If I stole your gold, what would you do?

**Mulch**: Erase you from existence. Then take your money.

**Me**: Sounds reasonable! What's your favorite movie?

**Mulch**: Oh, this is tough. The Bourne Series, Looper, Safe House, Lawless, Men in Black 1, 2, and 3, The Expendables, Total Recall, Resident Evil, 21 Jump Street, and Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

**Me**: 1937 version?

**Mulch**: Damn straight.

**Me**: (whistle) Didn't expect that. (A few moments later) Y'know what? I guess I did kinda expect that.

**Mulch**: That's one of the only movies that made dwarfs seem...tough.

**Me**: Touching. Mulch, this might be an uneasy question, but...how did you react when Julius Root died?

**Mulch**: (falls silent) ...

**Me**: You don't have to answer it, you know.

**Mulch**: Nah, it's fine. I felt really sad for that guy. I know he was after me for the past millennia, but I really respected him. I'm telling you, Holly took it a lot worse than I did. One look in her eyes told you she was already planning Koboi's murder.

**Me**: Yeah, I'm sorry about that too. Hey Mulch?

**Mulch**: Yeah?

**Me**: Would you respect a Mud Girl that can burp on impact?

**Mulch**: (glares) Seriously?

**Me**: (shrug) Hey, I'm trying to lighten the mood.

**Mulch**: (Rolls eyes) Sure, I guess so.

**Me**: (Looks left and right, leans in, whispers) What do you think about a relationship between Holly and Artemis?

**Mulch**: (Disgusted) Ew! What the heck? That's disgusting! Who'd mate outside their species?!

**Me**: Dude, calm down. It's just a question.

**Mulch**: Well, you know my answer. (Shakes head, muttering) I swear...

**Me**: Why do you help Artemis, Holly, and Butler so much if you're a criminal? I men, you're against LEP, and after you finish helping, Holly could arrest you right away.

**Mulch**: (sigh) I get this question a lot. Number one, Artemis and Butler are my friends. I would help them because it involves saving millions, including my own hide. Number two, Holly always gives me head starts before arresting me. I know the LEP's after me, but Holly? She's different. Besides, we're friends, you know? We were also partners for quite some time . And lastly, who wouldn't want to be a part of their big plan?

**Me**: Good point. Now, for my own questions...

**Mulch**: Those weren't your own questions?

**Me**: Uh...Nope. See, I get loads of viewers giving me questions for interviews.

**Mulch**: Okay...ask away, my unprepared friend.

**Me**: (mutters) Whatever. Do you enjoy reading?

**Mulch**: LAME. No, I don't. I have more important things to do.

**Me**: (Aghast) Like _what_?

**Mulch**: Uh...planning new heists? Duh.

**Me**: You're sounding like a teenage dwarf. Can you show me how to pickpocket?

**Mulch**: Later, young grasshopper. (Snickers) You're gonna suck at it.

**Me**: Not as much as you suck at math.

**Mulch**: (pats stomach) I'm feeling hungry. A certain Mud Girl would _really_ fill me up.

**Me**: (jumps behind chair) You wouldn't!

**Mulch**: Believe me, I would. How'd you know I suck at math?

**Me**: (Holds up Mulch's report card) Got this from Young Dwarf's Learning Center.

**Mulch**: Gods, I swear, I'd rather spend five centuries in prison than ten minutes in there. (Shudders)

**Me**: Let me guess. Not enough food in the cafeteria?

**Mulch**: No, I got teased every day. It hurts, you know?

(Several minutes of silence)

**Me**: ...

**Mulch**: What?

**Me**: You're kidding, right?

**Mulch**: Ah...no. I'm not.

**Me**: Woah-kay, there. anyway, Imma end this interview. I gotta go.

**Mulch**: FINALLY.

**Me**: Ouch.

**Thanks for reading! I really would make this longer, but y'know...I'm getting kicked off :P. Review and favorite if you enjoyed! My next character will be...um...Foaly! Any questions you'd like to ask?**


	5. Little Note --Very Important

**Apparently, I've been reported because I'm not exactly writing a fan fiction (as in an actual story thing). It's because I'm not allowed to write constant Q and A (As in all the interviews) and that goes against one of the rules. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to go on writing other future Interviews. But writing it in Q and A form really helped me out. I can't write actual stories about the Interview without being stuck every step of the way. But if I do, I'm going to have to skip homework and such after the March Break. Writing it in Q and A form only takes me less than fifteen minutes. Writing it as an actual story takes me more than an hour. **

**So I have a problem here, and the only way to go is to stop Artemis Fowl and the Interviewer. Thing is, I don't want to. I'm having too much fun with this, and I didn't even interview Opal yet! Do you guys have any ideas?**

**-Interviewer**


	6. Future of the interviews

Hey, guys. I'm sorry I haven't exactly posted in forever, but it's just that...

I feel like I can't continue this interview the way I actually make them because it loses its fun and excitement. I know some of you wanted me to continue my interviews but in a novel-like way, but it just takes me a while to do. I started these interviews because I wanted something to express my feelings to the books characters. The questions I wanted to ask them, what I wanted to say...I anticipated that these interviews would have at least twenty or so chapters, depending on how many characters I'd interview. But Writing it as a novel, it's just..._so much harder_. I don't really see why this is considered against the rules, but as a member of this website, I have to follow it.

Maybe once in a while, I'll upload.


	7. MOVED TO WATTPAD

It's just as the title says. See you all there.


End file.
